Friday, December 19, 2003

Cheney For The Birds?

TERRY MORAN - Ahh, but there lies the conundrum. How to criticize but still retain access. I believe that if shite gets rough you might be forced to rely on the help of subjects that you may have just seen do bad things. Self-survival overrides any journalistic integrity you might possess.


Dick Cheney has been getting some heat (not enough) for his recent "turkey shoot" at someplace called the Rolling Rock Club in Pennsylvania. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that Dick shot 70 out of 500 pheasants released for a morning hunt. How many shots did he fire, I wonder? One shot probably took out a handful since there were 500 to choose from.

Massachusettes Senator John Kerry, not my favorite Democratic candidate (I like Doc), showed his prowess in October by taking out two of the dirty flying bastards with just two shots. Kerry's spokesman, David Wade, had a funny thing to say about the vice president who only comes out of hiding to shoot birds or issue ducks for the Administration. "Something here doesn't add up. The Bush administration says the economy is improving, but their millionaire vice president has to hunt for his own food."


Concerned that Americans are not "scared shitless" enough, Homeland Security will be revamping the color code terror alert system. After months upon months of "highly sophisticated" intelligent polling, guessing and fingerpointing, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge has discovered that a significant portion of Americans may or may not be colorblind. "Of course, none of us learned professionals could ever have anticipated this. But since we want to make sure everybody gets our message [Shut up and do as we say!] loud and clear in the near-future we ditched the colors, and will instead incorporate corporate icons that should be recognizable to the highest caliber. Besides, everybody loves "The Simpsons."

Instead of colors, all subsequent alerts will be identified with cartoon heads (appearing courtesy of Fox Television). Acting on the assumption that women are generally safer than men, threats will be ranked in the following low-to-high-alert-range: Maggie, Lisa, Marge, Bart and Homer. In other words, America experienced the Bart Stage last Christmas, but - God help us - if we ever reach Homer.


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