Friday, December 19, 2003

Crucible of Terror


An extremely trustworthy high-placed Administration official assured a deaf, dumb and blind nation that there will be no reprisals fired upon the former Treasury Secretary Paul F. O'Neill for "talking all that crazy insurgent-like, bordering-on-seditious mumbo jumbo. Besides, he's already been fired." Just to be safe [and tricky] hundreds of Homeland officers have been pulled away from the war on terror in order to check the employment backgrounds of Mr. O'Neill's wife, neighbors, friends and all living blood relatives.

The former chairman of Alcoa (chief sponsor of Dubya's cabinet), who served in the Nixon and Ford [Kissinger] Administrations, recently told GI friendly Time, "In the 23 months I was there, I never saw anything that I would characterize as evidence of weapons of mass destruction [not including the depleted uranium munitions we used, of course]. There were allegations and assertions by people. But I've been around [realpolitik people like Henry] a hell of a long time, and I know the difference between evidence and assertions and illusions and conclusions that one could draw from a set of assumptions. I just hope I don't end up like David Kelly."

Also, in a related fantasy, The New York Times announced that it will not be publishing a book review section on Sundays anymore. A spokesperson that answered at a similiar telephone number explained that the grey lady is "simply not in the business of doing book reviews that may reflect badly on the current Administration. But if, say, Howard Dean wins the next election, you can bet your Pete-Rose-Ass that we'll be back."


Security of Homeland Secretary, Tom Ridge, may or may not have had the following to say to some sucker on an insecure secure line on a soccer field today. "Every stinking passenger on an incoming foreign aircraft should be viewed as a potentional terrorist. To best ensure conditional safety (and make it seem like we're doing something) we'd like to announce a foolproof method to identify terrorists. Assumptive intelligence suggests that almanac-toting terrorists may be in possession of super-sophisticated floatation devices. Therefore, from now on, all foreign aircraft wishing to land in the United States must undergo anti-terrorism pre-emptive security measures. Since it is far too complicated and kind-of-a-pain to properly secure American airport runways, foreign flights will be rerouted to alternative landing zones. Until further notice, those landing zones will be restricted to international waters. Common sense tells us that if everyone on the plane is drowned the threat of possible terrorism will be greatly diminished. Best of all there will be no harm and no fouls, since they're only foreigners."

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