Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Bush Vs. Bigfoot
President un-elect Bush on Thursday set a goal of capturing the fabled monster, Bigfoot, by no later than 2020 and eventually using its pelt as a launching pad to search for Osama bin-Laden. "It is time for America to find out who's been leaving all those big steps."
Although it has been nearly twenty-five years since the last semi-official sighting of Bigfoot (full-motion video exists of Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, wrestling with 70s actor Lee Majors), some big-time officials in the Bush Administration and at Haliburton believe that time may be running out. "We need to stop Bigfoot, quite impossibly, one of the most evil thugs that has ever, possibly, existed - in order to insure that he does not one day seek to align himself with al Quaeda factions or, even worse, the Abominable Snowman and Loch Ness Monster."
Best of all, Bush's carefully plotted course of distraction will be bankrolled by future generations of Americans (or whatever we're called after Dubya is done leadin' us) so there really aren't any legitimate concerns. "What's another billion or two? And who's counting?" Of course, initially, the money will be sent as a blank check made out to Haliburton, but the public is assured that there will be a trickling down effect of some sort to be worked out in the future. "Mankind is drawn to the Bigfoot for the same reason we were once drawn into the Bermuda Triangle, the lost city of Atlantis and the imminent threat of Saddam Hussein. We choose to explore myths because doing so improves the net worth of Fortune 500 companies and lifts our national spirit. So let us continue the diversions."