Tuesday, January 13, 2004
CBS May Fry Guy at Bowl
Evidently, an unidentified dentist with a subscription to TV Guide alleged today that CBS may scrap its lightly-anticipated halftime extravaganza (that was to feature the as-of-yet unindicted Jackson, Janet), set to air during this year's Super Bowl (also lightly-anticipated unless you live in New England or Carolina). CBS intends to "get a move on to give the people what they really-really-really want: real live drama, real live drama, and real live death. We want to fry a guy."
CBS dreams of broadcasting the first execution to be officially scheduled and promoted (previously televised murders such as that of JFK and Lee Harvey Oswald were not officially scripted or planned). "You know how they say, "when in Rome you do as the Romans do." Since the Super Bowl's in Houston, we should do as Texans do: zap high voltage doses of electricity into a man until he's sufficiently dead." If it happens, the execution will take place on a stage set up on the 50 yard line, and will be hosted by the Everybody Loves Raymond star (who everybody in the GOP loves), Patricia Heaton.
Although the extremely, old men at CBS still haven't decided upon who the lucky contestant will be yet, they have their hopes set high for America's next sure-to-be reality star. "Of course, out of all the resumes and headshots we've gone through, one guy stands out: the mother of all would-be evil tyrants, the Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rollah, Saddam Hussein. But the staff writers for the Bush Administration are still busy with the script for his upcoming trial and we need it A.S.A.F.P. so we can run it during a future sweeps week. Maybe we can arrange something patriotic for Saddam on the Fourth of July. Anyway, now would be too soon, since Bush's Supreme Court re-selection won't take place until at least December."
Luckily, Saddam's not the only fish to fry. "For our sake, we got our hearts set and our fingers crossed that Osama will agree to do it. We've been talking to some of his people at Central Intelligence and his business associates in the Bush family. The best thing is that there really wouldn't be any need to wait for a show trial because the public has already accepted his guilt without any questions."
Insidious insiders also insinuate that if Osama is in the line-up then CBS will switch the Super Bowl to pay-per-view. "We know that the Super Bowl is the number one show of the year, and that Americans have always been able to watch it for free, but we're not retarded (no matter what David Letterman thinks). Folks'll pay big bucks to see this. Who can possibly be offended? This will not be a violation of our advocacy rules. If you can find somebody responsible (and not from Vermont) who thinks that Osama might be innocent, then it would be a credible rebuttal of our policy. We don't allow stances on controversial public-policy issues unless they're okayed by the Republican National Committee."
There are reports that CBS has also been holding talks with people that have heard of O.J. Simpson, Kobe Bryant and the former king of pop. "Although any of those three guys would bring in ungodlike ratings, and they meet the non-white standard, we're not sure they're evil enough. Where's an Idi Amin or Edward Said when you need one? If Kobe had a sex tape we could promote on the Internet, it would be a done deal."