Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Iraqi Mad Cow
Unnamed U.S. officials are telepathically suggesting that the Washington dairy cow infected with mad cow disease came to the United States in August of 2001 from a secret laboratory in Baghdad, Iraq. [Embedded] reportedly, the cow was to have been the 20th (or is it 21st, 22nd or 23rd) hijacker in the September 11th conspiracy. It has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt with nary a trace of evidence that Saddam Hussein personally instructed the cow in hand-to-hoof combat techniques and jet flight training. A mark on the cow's back is also said to suspiciously resemble (more or less) the prophet, Muhammed (others believe instead that it is a dead ringer for Abraham Lincoln or maybe Elijah Wood as Frodo from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings).
One or two outspoken yet wishing to remain anonymous federal officials who-threaten-to-Guatanamo-anyone-that-reveals-their-names pooh-poohed the notion that the cow (if able to bypass the security juggernaut that existed on 9-11 with his Islamic comrades) would not have been able to fit in the pilot's seat. "We're dealing with thugs and terrorists that are trickier and more diabolical than anyone can imagine. Secret documents hidden in a gold tooth extracted from Saddam's dirty mouth prove everything we say, allege and imply." When asked when the public will be able to see the evidence of Saddam's Mad Cow Plot, officials promised, "When pigs fly."