Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Trading Iraqi Spaces
According to assorted sordid sources in, on and outside the gates of the Fox World Order the following vowel/consonant hybrids are undecidedly reported:
Fox Television and PNAC Productions have combined forces again (to advance the cause of freedom, justice, liberty, profit and all that) in order to create the realest reality show ever realized: Operation Trading Iraqi Spaces. The tag team co-hosts for OTIS will be the Fox Fab Five of Geraldo Rivera, Bill O'Reilly, Oliver North, Brit Hume and Simon Cowell. The Fox heads promise all sorts of fun and excitement for the whole family (as long as they don't have relatives wounded or killed in prior operations).
Watch US Marines invade "The Simple Life" of a quaint Middle Eastern country in order to properly ensure the freedom for Iraqi Paris Hiltons to strip off their burqas and provide Internet content. Marvel at "The Fear Factor" that our boys will face as they stand guard over off-the-hook gasoline lines, protecting the interests of our vested corporate advertisers. Our "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is a little bit "Big Brother" and "The Real World" version of "Survivor." It's up to the viewer to decide who's really getting "Punk'd"; the Iraqi civilians, the "Coalition" troops, or the future generations of Americans (whose taxes are bankrolling all this quality entertainment). Instead of watching "Pop Idol" or "American Idol", watch Americans "Apprentice" to get popped and fired upon while you remain idle.
Our cracked team of experts (sifted from the cream of the crop available at the Brown & Root division of Haliburton) knows what's best for all the towel wearing people. Watch as we redesign opulent presidential palaces with carefully placed cluster bombs and mini-nukes so that our commanding officers, administration officials and future USA WMD CEOs can feel at home. Witness as Iraqi museums, libraries and oil refineries are improved and Americanized via awesome uranium-depleted munitions. God (and the vice president) only knows what we'll eventually put in all that there great space we create.
Our unprecedented budget (87 billion dollars and counting) ensures that all American cable subscribers will be able to see the biggest and baddest explosions courtesy of the best of our country's currently existing technology.
And coming to the fall schedule, just before the next Presidential election, we'll be back with Season Two - guaranteed to take place in a nearby disadvantaged Middle Eastern country (actual location subject to evaluation of that country's computable net worth in natural resources).
Don't ask what you can do for this country. If you're proud to be an American, you'll watch our show and continue to support our sponsors (and make sure your neighbors are doing the same). Otherwise, the terrorists (i.e. "the liberal media") will win!